364 days…

A year ago today, I had my last drink. I did not know it at the time and I honestly can’t remember what it was. Only that I went to bed drunk as usual, woke up probably still drunk and began that Monday morning as usual- getting ready for work, not knowing then that I had already had my last drink. On Monday November 8th, 2021, my sobriety journey began.

Let’s back up a bit so that you, dear reader, can try to understand how I had lost myself so completely to alcohol. Like most people who find themselves tumbling down the rabbit hole of addiction, I didn’t wake up one morning and say hey, I’m going to drink to excess everyday and ignore my problems. It was a slow process, a learned coping mechanism to deal with physical and mental heath issues.

As I have written about before, I suffer from chronic migraines and stage 4 endometriosis. I’m in pain most days. Alcohol numbs that pain. It is an escape from the mental and physical exhaustion of dealing with chronic pain. So what began as a glass of wine to unwind and relax when getting home from work slowly became approximately 2 bottles of wine a night.

It wasn’t always wine either, I had a penchant for whiskey, amoretto, and had gotten into white claw and the like. I wouldn’t get sloppy drunk. I was actually a very high functioning alcoholic. Most people had no idea -mainly, I think, because it has become so common place for mom’s to have wine time. I worked a full time job as a chemist and volunteered for years in the world of musical theater wearing various hats like director, producer, set designer, etc… and had a successful wellness consulting business all while drinking too much.

So how could I possibly have a drinking problem?

It took me a while to realize my drinking was out of control. Excessive alcohol consumption has become so normalized in our culture that the line is seriously blurred. Perhaps my first clue was that whenever a doctor asked me how much I drank, I lied. Who is going to admit to their doctor that they are have 5-6 or more drinks a night? I knew it was too much but hell – I still got up and went to work, took care of my family, volunteered so again; was it really a problem?

Maybe I realized something was up the day I locked my keys in the car. They had fallen out of my pocket as I hid scrunched down in the backseat slamming 2 small bottles of pumpkin rum. …or maybe it was the mornings I woke up to multiple empty bottles wondering who could have drank all of it? Or slurring my words at a wedding reception as I overindulged at the open bar?

There were so many signs, yet I ignored them all. I flirted with stopping or cutting back. “Only drinking on the weekends” would last a week. “I’ll use a smaller glass” means more refills.

This went on for years and years. So what finally happened that made me stop completely? A terrifying experience that I was unable to handle appropriately because I was drunk.

One year ago, on November 5th, a Friday; I was preparing for night two of three of the high school musical I had directed and produced. I had pretty much been absent from my home for the previous weeks if not months from 6:30 am until 8pm or so most days. Of course, the drinking commenced as soon as I was through the door (or occasionally first thing in the morning). The days prior to the show, my husband had come down with food poisoning, however I left him to fend for himself. I had a show to put on. In my head- he was an adult who could handle himself. I wasn’t paying attention to how sick he was.

So Friday night, I didn’t get home until 11pm or so and immediately downed a bottle of wine. Hubby was in bed and our son who was 18 at the time was playing video games. I unwound with my bottles of wine for over an hour. Finally, exhausted and pleasantly buzzed I went to bed.

About 2 hours later I awoke to a crash in the kitchen. It took me a few seconds to come to and realize where I was. I rolled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen. It was dark and I could see my husband stumbling towards me. He made it around the corner but collapsed onto our sons baby grand piano just outside our bedroom door. Now panicking, I reach to grab him but was not strong enough. I grabbed his face yelling his name and his eyes glassed over.

That is about when I probably should have called 911. However, as I was 2 sheets to the wind, I left him lay there and went to wake up our son. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to wake up an 18 year old at two o’clock in the morning but it’s virtually impossible.

Long story short- finally managed to wake my son- there was yelling and freaking out- of course all me; and we managed to get my husband back in bed.

In the morning, hubby had no recollection of what had happened. I left my son in charge of him and prepared for closing night of the show. Drinking started before noon.

What I managed to get out of my slightly incoherent husband was that due to the food poisoning he couldn’t sleep so took Benadryl. He was so dehydrated from being sick at that point, that he forgot he took Benadryl and took Nyquil on top of it and pretty much passed out. But he’s an adult right!?! Why did I need to be home with him?!?

Closing night of the show was a success and I didn’t get home until after midnight. Hubby sleeping and no more issues- or so I thought. Sunday morning I’m up and into my lovely alcoholic gifts from the kind parents of thespians. Then it off to school for clean up. 3 hours at school and all I could do is count the minutes until I was home cracking open a can of spicy margarita!

Once home I enjoy the margarita and copious amounts of wine. While hubby rested in bed. Did I ask him if he was drinking enough water? Probably not- I was too busy drinking and relishing the last 3 days. I asked him if he was feeling any better. He thought so. I left it at that.

Monday morning the alarms goes off at 5:20am and an I am up and out of bed. I start the coffee and get in the shower. As I exit the bathroom I see my husband waiting for me in the kitchen. He looks awful, pale and weak. He says I think I need you to take me to the hospital.

And off to the emergency room we go. He was severely dehydrated and needed 2 full bags of IV fluids and was out of work another 4 days to rest and recuperate.

And that was it. No more drinking.

Seeing how I completely ignored the situation with my husband because of my alcohol fog scared the shit out of me. Could the situation have turned out worse- you bet it could have. I was one lucky drunk! Upon returning home from the ER, I collected every drop of booze in the house and threw in the garbage. Done.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying stopping drinking was easy. It sucked. I struggled every day. But I wasn’t beating myself up everyday with a guilt ridden pity party because I downed multiples bottles of wine the night before. This was a different kind of struggle. I was anxiety ridden for a few weeks, then it would rear its ugly head if I had a social function to go to. How could I go out and not drink? What would people say? What would I say if that’s asked why i wasn’t drinking? Holy shit! Cycles of anxiety, fear, shame but ask me if it was worth it?

Now I sit here, a year later, a year to the day of my last drink.

I am still an alcoholic by definition. I am still in recovery, but I am SOBER.

So hello. It’s nice to meet you. If you knew me in my drinking days, I am sorry. Allow me to reintroduce myself; My name is Kristen and I am 364 day sober.

Need help with your drinking?

Visit Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services

Wellness

Are you being mindful of your needs? As we (in the northern hemisphere) move towards colder shorter days, it is a good idea to spend sometime creating nourishing routines to maintain balance.
Are you getting proper nutrition?
Eat warming nourishing foods like homemade root vegetable soups, stews, or try a warming Kitchari for a gentle seasonal cleanse.

Are you moving your body to keep your lymph flowing? Your lymph cleanses your blood and system as it circulates through your body. Unlike blood, lymph needs you to move in-order for it to move. Try some gentle yoga, walking or a rebounder is great for lymphatic system health. Always check with a doctor before starting any new exercise. ..and remember to drink plenty of water!


Are you getting quality, consistent sleep? Movement and proper nutrition will definitely help with getting better sleep. Try not to eat 2 hours before bed. Getting up and going to sleep every night can also help with the quality of your slumber. Need help unwinding? Try a guided meditation (check out Spotify page) to help slow down thoughts and find restful comfort.

Have tips you’d like to share? Let me know!

Beginning Practice

Practice.

Beginning a meditation practice can be daunting. I have heard so many times “Oh I stopped because I couldn’t stop thinking” or a similar statement. It’s a challenging stigma to overcome — meditation doesn’t mean your mind is blank. It means we are able to lose the attachment to the thinking mind, we release the attachment to the thought.


The easiest way I found, when I was first dipping my toes into the meditation pool, was to view my thoughts as just something happening.


Like this: When you have a thought (doesn’t matter what it is!) say to yourself “there goes a thought” and I guarantee you’ll have another one following right behind-“ oh look, more thoughts”


Thoughts come and go all day long. It’s not the thoughts necessarily that cause us the stress but the attachment to certain thoughts. Replaying stressful situations or worrying about the future are both forms of this attachment.

Meditation allows us to learn how to find space and release our attachment to constant mind chatter. Over time, with consistent practice, we are able to sit with a calm mind. Outside of meditation the chatter quiets down, loses its hold on us and we begin to live more mindfully with less attachment, stress and worry.

If you are just beginning your practice, I recommend guided meditations as they provide a focal point for the minds eye. I have some short guided meditations, perfect for beginners or seasoned mediators available on Insight Timer, for you to explore.

Once comfortable with guided practice, try sitting for 1 minute. Yes only 1. Trust me. Set a timer. It’s longer then you think if you are not used to sitting quietly. The first time I attempted this I lasted about 35 seconds before checking the timer!

Patience. Practice. Perseverance.

Namaste.

Shadow

𝖶𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗂e𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝖾𝗂𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗌𝗂𝗍𝗎𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝗈𝗎𝗍𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗈f 𝗎𝗌 𝗈𝗋 𝖺 𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇. 𝖠𝗅𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝗅𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗂𝖽𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗆 𝗅𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾𝗅𝖾𝗌𝗌, 𝗂𝗍 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝖻𝖾 𝖺 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝗐𝗍𝗁.
𝖶𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗏𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗌𝖾 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗒, 𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗎𝗍, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖽𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗅𝗒 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗋𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝖾𝗅𝗅 𝗎𝗌.
𝖶𝖾 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗈𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾. 𝖳𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗌 𝗇𝗈 𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄. 𝖭𝗈 𝖽a𝗒 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗇𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍. 𝖡𝖺𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄 𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗐𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗏𝖾. 𝖨𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗈𝗐𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁.

Healing

heal[hēl] VERB (of a person or treatment) cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Life isn’t perfect. We are not perfect. We stumble, we fall; we try to pick ourselves up. Sometimes we can. Sometimes we need help from others.

Asking for help is the first step in healing, yet it can be so challenging to admit we need help.

Healing is a one moment at a time journey. Our needs influence the boundaries we must set to foster a safe healing space/time.

A vast expanse
silent chaos
echo’s blissful awakening
Ephemeral grasp
slip
slip slip
Sweet seductive sleep
silent chaos
drowning in entropy
crash
crash crashing waves
The ocean of mind
Surfacing
a breath
Perfect darkness expedient
latibule for the soul



KMS