I go within
to the place of sacred stillness
where time no longer exists
and in the space behind space,
in the pause of my breath,
I meet you in divine silence,
merging into oneness,
touching the infinite,
lost in love.
~𝖪𝖬𝖲
Tag: moments
Winter Retreating: Books, TV, fear, anxiety, and finding flow.
I realized today that I had yet to write an entire blog post since December 30th. I wondered for a moment how that could have happened when I set up reminders to write at least once a week. Clearly, I have been ignoring my reminders.
It did not take too much pondering to figure out what happened to my almost consistent schedule.
LEISURELY LIVING
I slow down even more in the winter. Lazy evenings curled up with a good book -I’ve managed six since January 1st! An even mix of fiction and non-fiction that kept me hooked. The last book I read, This is Your Mind on Plants by Michael Pollen, was not what I expected. I thoroughly enjoy this discourse on how particular chemicals in plants have the ability to alter our lives for good or ill. The section regarding caffeine was delightfully engaging, to say the least. Pollen’s comments on the evolution of plants are very thought-provoking and make one wonder if humans are as innovative or advanced as we like to think. I highly recommend picking up this best-selling tome. Now in-between books, trying to decide what to read next as I am waiting for a book to call to me, as one always does.
Meanwhile, while I deliberate whether I dive into fiction or non, hubby and I are watching some binge-worthy tv. Our obsession is Shrinking and Ted Lasso, and both shows share writer Brett Goldstein who also plays foul-mouthed Roy Kent on Lasso. Of course, my favorite character! The show is delightful, and Jason Sudeikis is a trip to watch. We could all learn a little from his character. The empathy and kindness shown in moments of upheaval allow us to see there is always a higher path from which to act. The writers brilliantly move through topics such as divorce, anxiety, and coming to terms with one’s flaws in a way that touches the heart and tickles the funny bone. Yes – I have cried in every episode, usually followed by laughter that brings tears to my eyes. We are very much looking forward to season 3 only a month away!
W.B. DROPS BY FOR A VISIT
Anyway, I set aside time each weekend for writing, but recently, my friend writer’s block decided to visit. This used to frustrate me to no end, and I would attempt to force words to flow. Of course, this approach doesn’t work with words or life. We cannot force anything to happen and expect a pleasant outcome. Everything in its own time.
I sit at my laptop bright and early Sunday mornings, intent on bringing to life a new meditation, blog post, or next chapter of one of the two books I am working on. Sometimes I manage one sentence and find myself stuck. When this happens now, I walk away. If I continue to attempt to write well-developed content, it usually sounds choppy without any flow. Thus, it becomes an emotionless diatribe that begs to be deleted.
The other conundrum that precludes me from keeping a consistent schedule is migraines. It is impossible to think, let alone scribe a meaningful paragraph when your skull is throbbing, and there is a sensation of spiders crawling across the brain, not to mention the crazy visual disturbances and cognition issues. I am lucky if I can spell my name.
The relationship between my illness and path is not one of cause and effect; these aspects arise mutually when viewed from a witness perspective.
KMS
FLOW
So I no longer set goals or deadlines. When things happen, they happen. I choose not to view myself as the victim of my health. Although challenging, my condition has allowed me to have patience and become more in tune with my body, mind, and spirit. If not for the migraines, I would not have found this path, which includes meditation, reiki, and yoga.
The relationship between my illness and path is not one of cause and effect; these aspects arise mutually when viewed from a witness perspective. It sounds cliche to insist that we discover our strengths through our weaknesses, yet it is profoundly true. Hardships arise when we are called to express our authentic truth. Do we have the wherewithal to open ourselves to the possibility of self-forgiveness and growth? Can we stand aside from our bias and see the situation from all sides, dropping the act of victimhood and taking responsibility for our choices and life path?
The things we want to bury and look away from become stepping stones to freedom if we muster the courage to face them head-on. It comes down to how we choose to deal with fear. I do not believe that FEAR is false evidence appearing real. FEAR is real. It is an evolutionary trait that assists in keeping us safe from harm. The problem lies in allowing fear to develop into anxiety. When we turn away from the fear instead of exploring it from a safe space, we can unwittingly encourage it to transform into debilitating stress and anxiety. Please do not think you should go at this alone. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your fears and learn how to shift your perspective toward transformation instead of stagnation. Fear can be used as a catalyst for change in the correct set and setting.
Remember, everyone experiences setbacks, anxiety, and fear at some point. Our human existence is a tapestry of emotion and experience uniquely our own yet shared by all. Again, by reminding myself of this interconnectedness, I can extricate myself from my thoughts and feelings, creating space for growth and understanding which invites me to live a more conscious life.
If you need help with anxiety, fear, or other mental health-related issues, please check out SAMHSA’s National Helpline.
Meanderings On & Off The Noble Eightfold Path
Please note- I am not a Buddhist Scholar, and the following essay is a journey through my experience. If you are looking for an in-depth treatise on Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths, and the Eightfold Path, please consult tricycle.org, lionsroar.com, or the like.
Buddhism is straightforward in explaining how to walk the middle path—eight beautifully concise guides for a well-lived life. The problem lies in practicing those noble lessons.
A high school history class was my first introduction to Buddhism and its unique views. I was intrigued by the concept that all suffering comes from craving, but the chapter was short, and we were on to other things, and I forgot about the four noble truths. That is until about four years later when I developed an interest in meditation.
Meditation led to yoga and a desire to learn more about the history of these practices, eventually leading me to Buddhism’s middle path. Already familiar with the four Noble truths, I delved into learning about the eightfold path. It reads like a code of conduct if taken superficially, but the subtleties of the interconnectedness of being are laid out before our eyes.
The path implies the concept that nothing exists on its own. “Everything is “inter-is.” Everything is part of a dynamic cycle, and we are a part of that cycle. We suffer because we struggle against the natural process and flow of life, and we can avoid suffering by following the eightfold path.
So first, the four noble truths:
The noble truth of suffering
suffering exists
The noble truth of the beginning of suffering
suffering arises from craving
The noble truth of the ending of suffering
suffering can be ceased
The noble truth of the path to the end of suffering
end craving, end suffering
The Noble Eightfold Path leads us toward the cessation of suffering, and I have meandered on and off the way for years. Following my trail, one would notice dead ends, the talus of anger, ancient glacial deposits deep within my heart, the pinnacle of compassion, and the valley of despair. There are two dominant patterns to the wanderings off the path- stress, and illness. I have not always coped with grace in the past. I can do better. I hold the guidebook, and the trail is marked.
Let us glance at our desired approach to the wilds of life; The Noble Eightfold Path.
Right Speech – if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing. Be mindful of the impact words, tone and inflection can have.
Right Effort – applied will to prevent insensitive or impure thoughts, deeds, and actions, and the will to create an environment where compassion and integrity naturally arise.
Right Mindfulness – be attentive to the body, mind, emotions, thoughts, and the world around you.
Right Action – be attentive to one’s behavior, actions, and treatment of others and all sentient beings. Be kind and helpful.
Right Thought – wisdom arises naturally when one’s thoughts are selfless and full of unconditional love.
Right Concentration – bliss may be attained and sustained when the mind is clear and one-pointed.
Right Livelihood – how one makes a living shall not harm others or our environment.
Right Understanding – everything thing is as it should be.
So now prepared to move toward a new year with a compass to guide my way, will I meader and lose the trail? Absolutely! I have no doubt I will have moments of intense anger, panic, or worry, which mindlessly allows me to react from a place of fear instead of acting from a place of love. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am learning, day by day, moment by moment.
Through meditation, yoga, or reiki, I can slowly dissolve my attachment to outcomes and expectations, allowing for a more natural life, and exploring the wildness inherent within.
May your new year be filled with compassion and mindful intent, allowing joy and contentment to blossom with every step.
Namaste.
Farewell 2022
Another year has passed, and for me, it was, at times, a painfully slow roll. It reminded me of a class in college almost 25 years ago. The professor was a mild-mannered, aging hippy, complete with a ponytail tied, not with a rubber band, but a piece of old leather cording. I was a geology major and just as granola as the professor. He was very knowledgeable, and the cadence of the class, stratigraphy, was on par with how long it too for the strata we looked at to have morphed from sand to stone.
The classes and field trips were well-planned and enjoyed by most. (As I am sure, dear reader, you are aware that there are always a few humans who need to complain no matter what.) Anyway, about two weeks into classes, as we were learning about the law of superposition, our quiet, peaceful professor suddenly turned from the chalkboard (yes, there were chalkboards in college; that’s how old I am) and began a rant about his ex-wife, loudly, emphatically with gesticulations and maybe spittle.
Then just as fast as it began, it was over, and he turned back to the chalkboard, continuing the lesson as if the whole diatribe had never happened. Clearly, he was a catastrophist! A uniformitarian would never explode like that!
These outbursts happened randomly in every class I had with this professor. Initially, it was shocking- was he crazy? Were a few screws loose? Over time we adjusted to it, and it became a regular part of his classroom experience.
The effusive eruptions didn’t make him a lousy teacher; on the contrary, it showed depth, a story- more than meets the eye. He wasn’t just an aging hippy teaching a bunch of ungrateful kids. This man had a life, hopes, fears, and dreams. The outbursts were breadcrumbs leading the inquisitive down the path of human experience, just as the eruptions of pain and confusion I encountered this past year led me deeper into the mystery of my deteriorating health.
By following the trail, patterns began to emerge; both with my health and the life of my professor. Allowing a patience to settle over me- I am able to see more clearly into the patterns of detail. By pausing and stepping back, becoming the witness, I can see the forest through the trees, blossoming with awareness.
The shifting moods, subtle yet complex, were easily noticed by anyone paying attention. My professor suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety. The outbursts were his coping mechanisms when not wanting to take meds; a full release of energy- and a prompt return to normal.
Was there a clue here for me? My confusion, tremors and other symptoms had to be breadcrumbs leading me to the path of healing. I only needed the patience to persevere and not play the victim to my heath. With the belief firmly established that healing begins within, I used these random outbursts of bizarre symptoms to discover the patterns.
If the pattern of trees makes a forest then my pattern of symptoms would lead to a diagnosis. So like any good geologist, I got out my field notebook and began sketching out the layers of life that were impacting or being impacted by my symptoms.
It’s amazing that it takes catastrophe to look at the stratigraphy of our lives . Where is the fault? Where have we allowed the pressure to build to the breaking point. Where can we find small moments of release as to not completely shake loose our moorings later?
These insights along the rocky shore of healing has led me towards deeper inner wisdom and a softening of spirit. Patience, it seems, has been born of cleaving layers of sediment crashing through me. What else can you do with tremors, but ride them out, knowing this too shall pass and calm will be restored once again.
And in the calm lies stillness and elucidation; for from the pressure of living comes forth the diamond clarity of truth – all of life is an ebb and flow of pain, joy, suffering and love; leaving traces of each story to become fossilized in memory.
And in the calm, what I discovered classifying my pain and suffering was a pattern of excess and scarcity. It is between these two extremes a balance can be found. Overdoing it, taking on too much leads me down a path of deterioration. Doing too little leads to stagnation and eventually down the same path of deterioration.
However when conditions hover in the sweet spot between the two extremes; this yields a slow yet steady pace, allowing for the unexpected & reveling in its mystique. Set backs are no longer boulders blocking my way, but a chance to meander creatively around my inner space getting a fresh view, creating new neural pathways.
When we can witness our story, layer built upon layer, lessons and meaning emerge from the patterns. We can learn from our past, adjusting our patterns to create a path of fertile soil which holds within it the sediment of our memory, allowing for new growth and experience to ripple through our lives.
Wishing you a peaceful 2023.
Namaste
Grace
What if we were able to view our struggles as Grace?
I know that might seem like a crazy question to ask. You may be thinking, “How could she ask me to look at my struggles, my pain, my suffering as grace?”
…and 15 years ago, I would have agreed with you.
My perspective has shifted. It did not happen overnight but through shedding the ideas, beliefs, and constructs, I had learned to believe about who I actually am.
From where I’m standing now, I can look back at every perceived struggle, every bit of pain and suffering; whether spiritual, physical, or mental, and see it has been Grace. Every decision I’ve made for good or ill has led me down the path my soul required I walk to learn the lessons needed in this lifetime; to live with an open heart and not one filled with fear.
When I release the need to view my struggles through the eyes of victim-hood, and instead, through the eyes of a student, guided by a master teacher, I am better able to release my attachment to outcomes and remove my expectations from situations of which I have no control over; moving through my days in a state of flow, not constriction.
In doing this, I am also better able to forgive others. When we forgive ourselves for misguided judgment, it becomes easier to forgive others. We learn that we are not perfect, and neither is anyone else. We are each learning day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath.
I am not the person I was yesterday. You are not the same person you were last week. Each new choice opens us to the pure potentiality of our experience.
We begin to hold ourselves and others to a standard of GRACE, not perfection.
Namaste
Dandelion Doorways 