“I can’t meditate because I can’t stop my thoughts.”

I hear this often. In fact, someone said it to me yesterday. During a conversation at a going-away party, someone told me she wished she could meditate more. “I just can’t do it,” she said. “I can’t get the thoughts to quiet down.” I smiled because I’d heard those words so many times before. Then gently reassured her that meditation has nothing to do with emptying the mind. She looked at me for a moment, a little puzzled. It’s the same look I see almost every time I have this conversation.

Perhaps we’ve all seen too many images of serene faces sitting in perfect stillness. Somewhere along the way, we’ve come to believe that’s what meditation should look like. I told my friend she hasn’t failed at meditation, as it is a practice we experience a little differently each time.

When we sit in meditation, the goal is not to empty the mind. It’s about tuning in and becoming more aware of yourself.

Meditation is not about creating silence. It’s about noticing thoughts without following them. The thoughts will continually arise, as that is the nature of mind. Instead of trying to control the mind, we begin to change our relationship with it.

Rather than trying to stop them, we simply notice them.

A thought is arising.

A thought is passing.

Just as we watch the breath flow in and out, we watch our thoughts come and go.

Little by little, we learn not to cling to every thought that appears, but simply notice and gently return to the present moment.

If you spend your entire meditation noticing you’ve become distracted and gently returning to your breath, you haven’t failed; you’ve been meditating.

Every time we notice a thought, without becoming carried away by it, we’re practicing something we use the rest of our lives. Meditation is not about having a perfectly quiet mind. It’s about meeting ourselves with a little more awareness, a little more patience, and a little more kindness.